Granted. I’m not a fan of selfies (unless they’re semi nude, than I don’t hesitate with all the likes and the what nots). But if you must resort to the narcissistic front-facing camera, here’s a guide for “The Slightly Refined Selfie”:
The Smoking Selfie
The trick here is not to look like you think you’re cool just because you’re smoking a fag, or you see yourself as a femme fatale (femmes fatales don’t post brunch pictures with their girl friends).
Here’s what to do: the cigarette must be a natural extension of your mouth. The only way to achieve that is to become a smoker (Menthol doesn’t count). Next, unbutton your shirt, reveal a bit of your bra, preferably chest, trout your mouth and let the cigarette “hang” on your lower lip while your eyes, accentuated by thick eyeliner, preferably running eyeliner, glance seductively but with a nonchalant twist, into the camera. The eyes must steal the show, your cigarette is merely a subtle “supporting act.”
Note: you must be skinny in order to pull of a smoking selfie – or, sport a body like Monroe. Otherwise, spare us the pictures.
The Elevator / Bathroom Selfie
Unless you’re doing it in the elevator or snorting coke in the bathroom, then, please, spare us the fucking elevator and bathroom selfies.
The Couple Selfie
If you must smother us with your happiness then at least make an effort to class up your couple selfie. Don’t kiss, don’t tilt your heads down like they do in the cheesy photos that come with a discount wallet. Instead, show us the real you. Maybe a selfie while you’re having a heated argument and hashtag it #makeupsex #soon. Or, let your partner hover her smartphone over your red face the next time you two play “Strap-on Mistress & Gag-ball Slave” #latex #goodtimes.
The Food Selfie
“Look at me, I’m excited, I’m eating sushi for the 147th time because I have an eating disorder.” Yes. That’s what a Sushi selfie reveals for the trained, Freudian eye. Don’t do food selfies. Either you come across as someone who still believes “brunch is cool” (SATC stopped running 10 years ago, let it GO!) or you come across as a bad food photographer. Your meal won’t look good in front of a smartphone camera, and your fake smile hovering over a half-eaten plate, will only inspire anorexia rather than a food cravings.
Instead, just refrain from food selfies and enjoy the fucking food, Cinderella.
The Going Out Selfie
You’ve finally picked out, after hours of closet digging, the outfit you started out with in the first place. You look sharp and your first impulse is to grab the smartphone and capture your glory. STOP!
Instead, sit in an empty bathtub in your party outfit with a glass of champagne, an ashtray, light up a smoke and glance carelessly away from the camera (think, “starlet getting ready to OD. or kill herself”). This is sure to set off the “likes” from complete strangers and messages from worried friends. Hashtag #whitney
The Feet Selfie
Unless you’re getting paid for it then stop… advertising… for Nike!
The Bird’s Eye Selfie
It’s mid-autumn. The earth-toned, radiant leaves have fallen from the trees and the ground looks like a mosaic painted by Mother Nature herself. Sounds like the perfect setting for a picture (except to the selfie addict because she’s missing from the shot). You raise your smartphone to the sky, and we catch a glimpse of the world according to you: you in the center, the world around you, blurred.
Maybe consider taking up a 1/3 of the space in the shot. It will send out a signal that you’re less self-centered than you really are.