I loved you on the street
Detested you at home
I greeted you
where you body roamed

Through thick layers of
velvet curtains and fake flowers
The 2 PM daylight would shiver
casting angel dust
on your scarred, pale
living corpse

My body would
feel alive
from the coke on the nightstand
I would guide my fingers
and soar them
inside you
another hungry visitor
at your fleshy gate

A visitor
How I felt like one
When I would arrive home
greet the kids
And kiss the woman
of the house
Dinner and family talk
my words wrapped
in barbed wires of guilt
One phone call
I would weave my excuse
kiss her goodnight
and head for the street

After the fucking,
I would lie in bed with you
two teenage-lovers
meshed in desperate denial

The light intrudes
I would tell you of
Japanese word meaning
“The scattered, dappled light
that happens when sunlight
shines in through the trees”
You said it reminded you of home
… a memory that seems distant
with each intruding body

With a coat fumed with rosy perfume
and wool softened by the rain
I arrived home
to a woman in war
… she knew
Her stare left me naked
My confessions gushed
from my fountain of guilt

The next day
I rested my palm
on my boy’s blonde hair
“daddy’s going on vacation
take care of your sister,
be the man of the house”

I drove
the lanes seemed wider
I seemed so small
Stopped by a store
“Do you own a license?”
the clerk would ask, mechanically

Back in the street
Outside her velvet curtains
Bullets and a gun
trapped inside
a shaky hand
of a broken man

I asked you,
then I asked you again
You didn’t recall

I pulled the trigger
You ran, shrieked
you belonged
to the silent minority
No one gives a damn
about me
about you

I pressed your body against mine
together again, at last
your tears were black
as the lead that soon will
penetrate you

I held you
the barrel of my gun
kissed you
a kiss of tarnished reds

Enveloped in velvet curtains
I carried you to my car
Drove you
next to me
rich in memory
poor in life

The forest greeted us
our final union
The light from the car
Illuminated our steps

You are beautiful alive
beautiful dead

My feet stopped
This was the place
this was it all along
I kneeled down
Laid you to rest in front of me

You’re home soon…
5:46 AM
Golden rays penetrated the forest
Like your love penetrated me
“The scattered, dappled light
that happens when sunlight
shines in through the trees”
You’re home now
And when the sirens grow closer
I’ll join you soon

Maybe someday
in Heaven or Hell
you’ll finally
tell me your name.